You gotta love road rage. Not everyone gets it, but those of us that do have all been involved in some awkward moments while driving. Driving is the most judgmental time for all human beings. If someone cuts me off I automatically hate their guts.  They’ve endangered my life, so essentially they are a homicidal maniac that needs to be stopped- and I’m gonna stop them.  It doesn’t matter if that person spends every night working for free in a nursing home, or if they volunteer their time every weekend assisting disabled war veterans- they got in front of ME without remembering to use their turn signal, so I want them dead!! They could be the nicest humanitarian out there, but the second they pull their car in front of mine with no warning, I want to punch all of their teeth down their throat then bash their head off the pavement repeatedly like a monkey trying to break open a coconut. Screw that: I want to see their car swerve off the road then go tumbling down a hillside and explode the second it hits the ground! Actually NO: I want the car to explode a good 20 seconds after it stops tumbling.   This way the driver, and every passenger in the car, can feel the error of their captain NOT using the turn signal. Twenty seconds of everyone laying there with broken ribs, skulls, arms, and legs while bleeding from every orifice, as they reflect on how they just should’ve used a turn signal seems like a fitting punishment… THEN comes the firey explosion!


That seems like a pretty unfair way to judge a person, but we all do it.   In our defense, when WE accidentally forget to use OUR turn signal, there is always a valid excuse: the kids were screaming, maybe you had to change the song that you were listening to, update your Facebook status, you name it! Whatever WE need to do, it is far more important than the idiot behind us, and his shitty car.   I also find it funny that whenever someone tries to pass us, we speed up to prevent it.  Why do we do that?  Most people wouldn’t do that in a grocery store with their shopping carts (where there is EYE CONTACT, and it’s less dangerous), but on the expressway at 85 MPH we do that stuff!  Then after the dude cuts you off, you pass them (or you try to, depending on whose car is faster, or the traffic situation, etc.) which just compounds the stupidity by the second.


Now here comes the part that REALLY sucks: right as you’re about to pass the shithead, you see that it is a teenage girl who is driving while texting- completely oblivious to the world around her!  She has NO CLUE that you even exist, and that she has succeeded at pissing you off so gravely. It is in that moment when you realize you probably will not be delighting in the pleasure-filled beating of a reckless driver today.  You also realize that YOU TOO have become reckless in your pursuit of “street justice” so you decide that it is no longer worth it. You also come to the realization that both of you are endangering EVERYONE ELSE on the highway…and just as you glance up at the road ahead, you see the beautiful array of brake lights because the lanes are merging!  “FUUUUUUCK!!!!” you scream. But it’s too late-  no time to pump the brakes, you slam them as you crank the wheel hard left then proceed to spin counter clockwise for what feels like an eternity!  You start having flashbacks of early childhood, and begin to regret stupid things that you said in junior high.  Then you start to feel queasy and lightheaded, and darkness begins to seep in from your peripheral vision. Just when you think you’re about to permanently lose consciousness and meet your maker… you screech to a halt, narrowly avoiding death.  With your nose only a few millimeters from the back of a semi, you could literally lick the license plate if you wanted to…and you’re a little bit tempted.  Close call? You bet your sweet asshole it was. Now stop being a douche nozzle behind the wheel. And here’s your friendly reminder: I’m Rusty Fish Hook.


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2 Comments on "Rusty’s Road Rage Rant"

June 1, 2015

People are great at being jerks while driving, even if they’re not driving badly.

Case in point – last week I was driving down the expressway in the middle of the day. There was not much traffic, but all the sudden I heard this honking next to me. I ignored it. After the car continued to honk, I finally looked over. Some woman was glaring at me and gesturing down. I realized whatshe was signaling: she wanted me to put down my phone.

That pissed me off. Who was she to judge me? It wasn’t the like I was driving with my face glued to my phone. I GLANCED DOWN TWICE. I was like “bitch, you don’t know what I’m doing! I could be checking my maps! I could be switching the track on my radio or checking to see if I want to answer this hands free call! While all of those excuses do count as distracted driving, it’s no different then looking at my dashboard clock, checking my speedometer, or changing the radio. The only difference was I had my phone up near my face. I ain’t texting and driving, bitch!

Do you know what else is distracted driving? Wasting your time staring at other drivers! Taking your eyes of the road (and forcing me to do the same) for a long enough period of time for me to understand what your gesture meant. The gesture using one of the hands that’s supposed to be on the wheel! You know who could have done that part? The chick sitting in the passenger seat playing in her phone! You know what else is dangerous driving? Hitting the gas after you’ve made your point and going at least 30 over the speed limit! I don’t know if she wanted to get out of there smug with her righteousness, or if she was afraid I was going to drop my phone and run her off the road.

I do know I got home safely. I’m not sure if her Speed Buggy did.

June 1, 2015

I always keep a loogie in the chamber for that. Someone makes a dumb face at me from their car: window goes down, loogie shoots out of my mouth and car. My success rate is like 2.5% (I need to work on my aim)