JARED FOGLE (from Subway): Douche Nozzle of the Month
As we all know, being a douche nozzle is far worse than just being a typical douche bag. It’s too complicated to get into all of the mechanics of how douching works, but believe me: nozzle trumps bag any day of the week in a douch-off. So, without further ado I’d like to induct the newest member of the Douche Nozzle of the Month Club: JARED “Nobody knew my last name until i got investigated for kiddie porn then busted by the Feds for statutory rape” FOGLE…from Subway. You know, I always thought Subway’s mayo tasted disgusting- I just didn’t know that it came out of a pedophile! I don’t have a whole lot to say about this defective douche nozzle, so I’ll make it short and unsweet. First things first- what happened with the Jared Diet? Looks like Jared Fogle from Subway sprouted a set of man-tits that Caitlyn Jenner would kill for. Time for Jared to start burning some calories. I’m not worried- he’ll be sweating those things off soon enough. There’s a phrase “No press is bad press,” but I’m sure that Jared Fogle from Subway would beg to differ. He’ll be begging for a lot of things where he’s going, and I doubt it’s going to be for another foot long. Funny to think that only a few months ago, Jared Fogle from Subway was just that dork from those commercials- no big deal. Now, he has been exposed…and has exposed himself to minors. Eat Fresh? He will be eating fresh alright- fresh salads! Fresh TOSSED salads!! Tossing an inmate’s salad has gotta suck! Oh, and he’ll be sucking too! Don’t you worry! Not a bright future for that lad.
It is said that you can’t judge a book by its cover when it comes to spotting a sexual predator, but Jared Fogle from Subway is a different story. Anyone with half a brain could see in those commercials that Jared Fogle likes to play ball on fields with no grass. That sick fuck! You can’t miss that perverted twinkle in his eyes. Even his voice has that dubious, wavering tremble that only a sexual deviant could possess. How could Subway not tell? Why did they pick that spook to represent their “healthy” line of shitty subs? Subway should have gone with a guy who had confidence, swagger, and a chiseled jawline, but instead they opted for a dorky-looking creep who is an obvious pedophile. Jared Fogle, you’re a piece of shit. May God have mercy on your soul, and may the inmates find pleasure in your hole.