Awkwardly FISH HOOKED by Chipotle
I love Chipotle burritos, but I’ll tell you what I hate: I hate how they don’t seem to give a fuck about accidentally spilling rice in the beans, and vice versa. You see it all the time: little corn kernels floating in their salsa. The corn isn’t supposed to be in the spicy red salsa! I don’t know about YOU, but I fucking hate corn. I don’t want to see it, and I sure as shit don’t want them accidentally scooping it into my burrito when I ask for the red salsa. And it doesn’t end there. The first thing they ask you is: “Brown or white rice?” The wife loves brown. I don’t. I am forced to order my burrito first because, due to the placement of the rice bins, I run the risk of them spilling her brown kernels into the white rice if I don’t do it in that order. Never mind the fact that I’ll already see some brown rice grains in the white rice (from the asshole in front of me that needed to have his brown rice). It makes me sick to see the rice intermingled like that. I am 100% in favor of racial equality for humans, but I stand FIRM on the segregation of colored rice.
The beans are also a cluster fuck of mistreatment. Why even give the choice of black beans or pinto beans if all that stuff is gonna wind up in the same bin eventually due to careless scooping? Lucky for them I have no segregation policy on the beans because I don’t eat that shit. I will only eat beans if they have been completely mashed into a paste- aka refried beans. What’s next? The meats: you got your steak, your chicken, your shredded beef, and your shredded pork. Tofu isn’t meat, so I don’t count that, and theirs looks like regurgitated chicken nuggets (but the taste is off the hook!). Side note: their pork comes and goes periodically due to inhumane treatment of the pigs… which they purchase for our consumption. Are they forgetting that those pigs are being raised with the specific purpose of being slaughtered? Hello! Yeah, let’s not serve any pork unless the pigs we order have a great upbringing, and then get slaughtered for mass consumption! Who’s the fucking idiot in charge of that decision? They’re PIGS. We are humans. Let’s focus less on the childhood of the various swine, and redirect your attention to the involuntary mixing of your ingredients. It may not bother your employees to see corn floating in the sour cream, but as a customer, I find it nauseating.
Now, you’re probably thinking: “Rusty Fish Hook, you’re kind of being a bitch.” Maybe so, but this “bitch” likes his burritos a certain way, so suck it! If you’re going to pay $3.00 for a quarter scoop of guacamole, the least they could do is ensure that you’re getting guacamole that isn’t corn-infused. Did I mention I fucking HATE corn? I do like corn chips. And YES, I’m aware that there is corn in corn chips. Much like pinto beans, I can eat the corn if it has been pulverized and then reconstituted into chip form. I also eat cornbread, asshole. But I won’t eat it if it has actual corn kernels in it. I am starting to go nowhere with this Rusty Rant, so I will wrap this up…just like how they wrap their burritos- Heyohhh!
Until next time, I’m Rusty Fish Hook.