LARS ULRICH: Hero of the Douche
As we all know, being a douche nozzle is far worse than just being a typical douche bag. It’s too complicated to get into all of the mechanics of how douching works, but believe me: nozzle trumps bag any day of the week in a douch-off. So, without further ado I’d like to induct the FIRST member of the Douche Nozzle of the Month Club: Lars fucking Ulrich! Lars is the notorious drummer of a band that used to NOT suck. He is also a huge bucket of dicks. What else is there to say about this friggin stooge? Oh yeah, there’s that Napster thing that everyone knows about… but that is so Y2K. Everybody is already aware that Lars Ulrich would probably love to see the death penalty for anybody who downloads a song for free (maybe that is what “Ride the Lightning” was really about?). Yep, that Napster stint really secured Lars’s position as a Lord of the Shitheads, but that’s not why you’re reading this today.
It has come to light that Lars Ulrich doesn’t just appear to be incredibly greedy, but he must also be extremely petty- even at the expense of his own art! That is not a very admirable quality in an artist. The album …And Justice For All (my favorite Metallica album) is a wall-to-wall solid entry in the book of greatness. It contains nine EPIC songs. Actually, it’s only eight good songs. The Shortest Straw kinda blows. Come to think of it, the whole album could’ve been made better with a better drummer. Someone like Dave Lombardo or Puffy Bordin would have given those songs an injection of beast mode! Lars’s drumming is just slightly more captivating than listening to a metronome. However, AJFA is home to the song “One.” Everyone needs to bow down to that song, because it is the “Stairway to Heaven” for a slightly younger generation. It is almost the perfect song. But I have always felt that something was missing. Let’s cut the bullshit- It’s time to address the reason why Lars gets the coveted douche-nozzle award for this month. Apparently, this class act may have been responsible for that “thin” sound on …And Justice For All! That’s not justice for anyone! According to article at the link below, Lars insisted on cranking the bass guitar WAYY down low. It’s like he said “Hey, let’s take one of the best albums of all time…and make it suck a little. Right guys?”
What a dickhead move! That would strip away the integrity of any heavy metal album! That takes a certain level of douchery to put spite in front of your own art. It is no wonder that bassist Jason Newsted had his grievances with the band- but can you blame him? He played his heart out in the studio for the AJFA sessions, and then THIS “allegedly” happens. According to the article, Lars isn’t even man enough to own his decision 20 years after the fact! Dude needs to sac up, OWN his lame actions, and finance a remix of …And Justice For All with some loud bass playing in it. I will be sure to get a free copy of it somehow, and I hope everyone else does too. That’s the price that Lars should pay for being a shithead. If they ever do remake it, I could totally see Lars hiring a new bassist to play. Hey- if it works, it works. I’m not married to Newsted. Hire a different bassist for all I care- just deliver Justice to us ALL by making it happen, Cap’n. This is Rusty Fish Hook Signing out.
I did my part to make things right in this article (click HERE).