BILL COSBY: Alleged Rapist…and Douche Nozzle
As we all know, being a douche nozzle is far worse than just being a typical douche bag. It’s too complicated to get into all of the mechanics of how douching works, but to reiterate: nozzle trumps bag any day of the week in a douch-off. So, without further ado I’d like to induct the next member of the Douche Nozzle of the Month Club: BILL “No Comment At This Time” COSBY. Man, how I wish I could refund every Pudding Pop that I ever sucked on after hearing about this pervert- excuse me: this ALLEGED pervert! I am well aware that last time I said there would be more white Awkward Stuff Douche Nozzles than black ones, yet here we are only three douche nozzles in, and the score is a whopping 2 to 1: BLACK. Give it some time, Whitey. We will take the lead soon enough…
The Kanye West, and the Lars Ulrich Douche Nozzle posts practically wrote themselves- especially the Kanye one. I don’t like a whole lot about that cat. Lars’s post actually gave me some pangs of guilt because I love early Metallica stuff. THIS baby is a completely different animal! Part of me is having a hard time writing this douche nozzle post because it’s about Bill Cosby. At the same time, the other part of me wants to totally go off on this piece of shit because it’s Bill Cosby…who is now an alleged rapist!!!?! How could you do this to us, Bill?
To put it mildly, it is disappointing what has become of Bill Cosby. Of course, there’s that whole drugging and allegedly RAPING a dozen or so women, but that’s small potatoes compared to the REAL crime! Plus, rape is not a douche-nozzle worthy offense. No one’s gonna get into Awkward Stuff’s Douche Nozzle hall of fame by simply raping a bunch of women. Not unless you’re Bill Cosby. You see, kids: You need to first establish yourself as a clean comedian. NEVER SAY A SWEAR! Swears are bad. Then, after your career begins to flourish, you’ll soon become a Pillar of an entire race, and culture. You will literally shift the dynamic of the modern world, becoming a ROLE MODEL for an entire nation: Lovable, laughable, but above all- wise…and warm. REALLY warm. Just keep slipping roofies into women’s drinks and then raping them. Excuse me: allegedly raping them. Unbelievable! I guess in the mind of Bill Cosby: alleged rapist, violating women is fine…as long as you don’t say the word “shit” because that’s just not wholesome and family friendly. Those are some admirable morals.
It is hurtful to think about how we’ve all been misled by this man. The real crime isn’t the rapes- it is what has happened to the entire world as a result of Bill Cosby’s selfish need to take physical pleasure from a few motionless females. He has forever tainted the memory of America’s beloved Cliff Huxtable. Bill Cosby didn’t just stick his Puddin Pop where it doesn’t belong. Bill Cosby reached into our childhoods and stole our innocence! He retroactively molested you, me, and all the other Cosby-raised children who are now the adults of America!! We all need therapy due to Bill Cosby’s disgusting urges, and lack of self-control because he didn’t just allegedly rape those women- he allegedly raped us ALL! How can somebody go back in time and molest us in our past? That is some twisted up David Copperfield shit!!
NOW when you watch the Cosby Show the messages all have an icky feel to them. Those goofy faces that he made are now creepy. All of the jokes now have an uncomfortable raunchiness to them, and that “rasm flasm jasm” gobbledy gook language, which used to be cute and funny, now invokes imagery of a drugged rape victim trying to communicate to the police about their alleged attacker! I feel like the shift in dynamic brought on by Bill Cosby in the 70’s & 80’s has now shifted to a dark place. I haven’t felt this way since that time when the tooth fairy snuck into my room and beat the shit out of me for waking up. To this day, I still don’t know what that was about, but Bill Cosby brought those feelings back to the surface. For that, he has earned July’s Douche Nozzle of the Month award.
To read about other Awkward Stuff Douche Nozzles click HERE.
***if you are offended by this post you must have an IQ below 80. Relax, my sarcasm level is through the roof (roofie) with this one. Ask your smarter friends- they’ll back me up. I am in NO way downplaying the seriousness of rape.