I hate awkward love scenes in movies.  When my wife and I are making out or having sex, we’re doing just that: making out or having sex.  We’re not whispering sweet nothings into each other’s nostrils at point blank range- inadvertently recreating one of those awkward love scenes!  If we want to have a discussion, odds are that we will probably wind up sitting across a table, or maybe even on our couch like any normal pair of human beings.  It all depends on what the issue is.  How many romantic dramas have you seen where the participants are passionately professing their undying love to each other doing that extra breathy talk right into their lover’s grill?  Countless!  I think it is cheesy that it happens in so many movies.  Those awkward love scenes are totally unrealistic. Maybe I am the one who is wrong.  Maybe those awkward love scenes are what love really is?  Perhaps I just happened to only find women that DON’T do that.  Why couldn’t I have found a girl who loves imitating awkward love scenes? I’ll see if my wife would ever want to conduct an extra corny, PASSIONATE conversation with our noses and mouths like one inch from each other.  I’ll be sure that, if it does happen, we have each brushed our teeth prior to, and I’ll also be sure that we don’t eat garlic or Indian food that day.  My guess is that she’ll STILL say no…because it’s stupid.


Then there’s those super awkward love scenes where the couple just explodes though the doorway into the woman’s apartment viciously making out and bouncing off of walls, while frantically unbuttoning the other person’s shirt/pants.  It always happens in the woman’s apartment because the guy doesn’t want a psycho like that to know where he sleeps at night.  And the kissing is always WAY more violent than anything you’ve ever been involved in.  The shoving, the ripping of clothes- they’re like uncaged animals!  Call me boring, but I usually take off my own pants before, um…you know.  It’s just easier and quicker to remove one’s own clothing.  Furthermore, it is much safer to do so while NOT making out.  In movies they make it seem as though the people are so horny for each other that they cannot simply pause to take the efficient approach to getting naked!  It is so over the top, and fake.  You don’t need to rip a shirt- just step back, pull it over your head then toss it on the floor.  Simple as that.  Plus, the shirt can be used again.


The only realistic thing that you’ll see in those awkward love scenes is that dumb ass look on people’s faces as they slowly go in for that first kiss (also known as First Kiss Face).  Sadly, there is no way to avoid FKF.  It is impossible to have a cool facial expression for your first kiss, because even if you do manage a super cool face- you’ll look like an even BIGGER tool from the girl’s point of view coming in for the kiss.  You’re better off just embracing your stupid-looking First Kiss Face!  I thought I could sidestep First Kiss Face with one of my former girlfriends.  No awkward love scenes- just go in for the kill! I figured the key was speed– pull her in quick, then jam my tongue down her throat before she even knows what time it is.  We were close in height, so what could possibly go wrong?  Well, it was an epic #FAIL.  There was no tongue- just blood and regret.  Here’s the story:  As we were walking down the boardwalk, holding hands, I let her get a few steps ahead…and right when I thought I picked the perfect moment- WHAM!! I pulled her in with all the force I could muster.  She nearly loses her balance, and the next thing I knew was PAIN!!  With both of our mouths open at different gauges, it was a disastrous collision of heads, and we banged teeth pretty hard.  Both of us chipped a front tooth (her central incisor, my lateral incisor). That, my friends, is what awkward love scenes are all about.  And, because our heads were at different angles during the moment of impact, she got it much worse than me, and I am thankful for that!  She looked like a fucked up Jack-o-lantern afterward, so I dumped her right then.  Rusty Fish Hook wouldn’t be seen with a freak like that.  I heard that she started tricking after that incident.  Poor girl.  She should’ve learned to work on her balance.  After that day there were no more awkward love scenes for Mr. Fish Hook.


*PS – That tooth chipper story is 98.6% fiction.  Feel free to use it as one of the awkward love scenes in your next indie film.


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2 Comments on "Awkward Love Scenes: Awkward sex"

July 12, 2015

“Mom, I need you to sew the buttons back on my shirt again!”
“Rusty, why can’t you just have sex like a normal person? You know, the kind that actually ends up in sex? “

July 16, 2015

The joke is on YOU! Rusty Fish Hook’s mother has two hooks (no hands), so her sewing prowess is very limited